One year of sailing - A spiritual journey.
Updated: Apr 7
In a year of sailing* I ended up many places. Some on purpose, most not. It was the hardest and the most beautiful year in my life. A year of challenges and conquering new spaces.
What I am most grateful for, is that for some of the time I was able to observe the process, from as far as I could. I decided not to focus on the day to day life, but the bigger picture behind it. Sail through open sea*, wonder again, who am I? * I do not actually sail, I just for some reason choose that word for all transitions: physical, emotional and spiritual, that took time during the year I reflected when I wrote this note
I began the year in school, studying programming. It was a few months of fun, and an old dream come true. Yes it was hard, but I chose to focus on the fun part. I met so many people, some very good friends. I was learning from the best in Stockholm and I was pleased to do so. I was happy to be there! I wasn't in a rush, nor I split my attention for a second. I took things one by one. The rest of my attention that is usually busy stressing out, I focused on observing the process.
I handled it greatly.
I saw myself preparing beforehand, working systematically, applying to speak and present. I saw myself doing things with much ease (and much better!) then ever. It felt great!
After graduating the course I sailed back to my home country to have my wedding, with my beloved partner. It was the best time I had ever had. Everything I dreamed of. More. So much love was shared. I had the rush with me for the few months that followed.
A week after I came back I held a work contract from the company I imagined. It was crazy! It felt like the Universe was pouring light on me. I felt like I was finally rewarded for all the hard work. I had the summer to enjoy and then the next challenge!
The summer came with a burst of inspiration too. In a short time I wrote a tiny series for girls and boys! Never in a million years I imagined that. I imagined a book (ok, actually that is my dream, little me being a writer) but I never imagined one being so much fun! (I am the emo-type)
I was so grateful and happy to have spent the time the way I did. It felt right. It felt like home. I was at peace. I was full of joy!
And when summer was over, like a child goes back to school, I went back to work.
I was excited! Being on a great upward spiral I felt unstoppable(-ish). I was sure happy to challenge myself! Luckily, I had practiced observing myself and I could witness most of my journey in awareness.
Exposing myself to the experience, I saw how little me acted when faced with some of my greatest fears. I was the least competent person in the room and needed to constantly ask for help. Added the new environment, new people, new culture, new tasks and many other new, I saw myself getting confused and scared.
I observed myself trying too. I learned so much, and I tried many new ways of doing things. Every day I was both exhausted and happy to learn.
Towards the end of the year the big bite I took started to choke me a little. The exhausted side was weighing down my balance. I felt like it's taking all of my time and I couldn't do any of the other things I enjoyed doing. I had no energy to take care of my family, I had no inspiration to write, I had no cozy time to read. I was turning blue, and I was looking forward to a vacation and time to recollect and think about the new year.
A few months later, I sailed to Egypt! I waited for this threat. Finally, we were there to rest.
And then, one shock after another, I was once again reminded that as much as I observe and know, I have only opened another bubble. It goes beyond.
The first week was hard to bare. I felt split between views so magnificent to take your breath away and within those views so mush suffering and sadness. Quality of life so bad, it breaks the heart. Then, being me, I was shaken from a few I thought genuine connections ending to be sales tricks. I felt hurt. Yet, the focus this time was to put my feelings aside and feel the pain those people were going thorough. To understand, forgive and try to help.
I was discovering ways to have good time with my family and moments to reflect and learn. In a way, I always thought that I was a good person, at least I always knew I had the intention to be. But now it felt like I was finally learning how to do it right. I was learning to act of love as often as I could and continued to observe and learn.
It was a good thought for the end of the year. That was the person I wanted to be. That was what I've been working on, and that was the project I intended to continue. I knew that.
Then just as we were almost ending our time there, my old boss called to tell me that my contract will not be continued. And I was there, I got it, I was not surprised. Yet in many ways I was. But only shortly after, for some reason, I felt kind of relieved. I felt lighter. Like after a good cry.
Once again, instead focusing on the little human that was ashamed and (self)blaming, I decided to zoom out and see what I can learn from it. And I learned a lot. I knew I was uncomfortable with some of my fears before, but now I knew how much. :) I also learned some new approaches to work beside them. Most importantly I feel closer to finding my environment to thrive (or at least one wrong one less :) )
I learned I can do things differently and be productive and thrive. I finally had time to listen to my thoughts, to breathe, to meditate on what I wanted.
So as I am contemplating the year of sailing, I see hard work, progress and most importantly, a lot of love. I hope this year brings as much of exploration in the Self and the world. I hope it brings focus on the positive and actions of love.
PS: This note is from January 2019. In the year that followed I went through another sail, learned some more, challenged myself more. Worked as a consultant in software development with many nice people. (I was looking at this opportunity just before I left for Egypt- It is a whole different story of synchronicity and - magic). I learned Swedish, I participated in a triathlon, I learned about business, about myself, and almost unintentionally, discovered my dream job and passion. Oras I started the following journal "A month of manifesting Magic - a spiritual journey update -
The year of sailing was seems naturally followed by a month on a speedboat rushing towards the center of the ocean..." The year after I started Moonwise with my Beloved, guided by heart and intuition. I am so grateful and humbled to find this reflection, and have an opportunity to appreciate, and publish it years later 🙏💙 Thank you Universe 🙏💙