• Ivy

A Storm in a Broken Mind

Updated: Nov 2

I have a broken mind. There are days, it hurts so much I want to escape the world. I want no one to see me. Weak. Sad. Broken.

taken in Stockholm during my last big storm

I have a broken mind, and the more I try to fix it, the more it hurts.

The crunching in the ears, the high pitch sound that comes and goes as it wishes, the sudden sharp pain like someone stabs my head with a screwdriver, and the deep boring pain the rest of the time – none of it is that bad. It’s the thoughts that hurt the most. It’s my own thoughts that I can’t handle. It’s my own thoughts that break me.

It starts with only one. A thought, a comment, a memory… Only one to trigger an avalanche. Then a storm of bad thoughts and feelings starts. A storm that destroys everything I know and everything I love. A storm that leaves only a deep sorrow behind.

The pain then spreads to the chest, pressing hard, shortening the breath, making me dizzy. My eyes work but I feel like I can’t see. The only sound I can hear is my own arrhythmic heartbeat. There is a lump in my throat, growing with every word I want to say.

The only sound that can pass through my throat is a cry. Tears are burning my eyes. I want to cry so bad, but only a few leave the tear holes, then they stop. They hold back. I can’t even cry.

I want to talk about it, or ask for help, but the strong hands of fear and mistrust hold my mouth. Thoughts rush through my mind but I don’t say a word.

The lump in the throat grows bigger. It starts choking me. I can’t breathe. I hold back. I surrender to the storm.

                           *                                         *                                     *

The high pitch sound comes back just to remind me that it’s all in my head. It was all so “real”. I couldn’t see that it’s not.

I didn’t know my mind was broken. I didn’t know why it hurt me, and I didn’t know how to heal it.

If I could only hug myself then, tell myself that it’ will go away. Tell myself everything will be OK… Everything is OK.

If I only knew…

For a long time I believed it. Storm after storm, every time it came, I believed all of it… It scared me. It made me sad. It made me feel sorry, it made me hate my life and the whole world.

Many times it broke me. It took longer to recover each time. It took many pointless days and many, many sleepless nights.

Maybe it was necessary, so I could learn. To learn how to stop the storm, learn how to live with it, how to let go.

I know now, there is no other cure then to love it. The way it is, just accept and love it. It is mine. It is who I am. And I do love it.

I hug myself through the storm, for my mind is broken and the more I try to fix it the more it hurts. So I just love it. The way it is. In its best moods and in the harshest storms.

I learn more with every new storm. It gets easier every time.

I hug myself.

I hug the whole world.

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